we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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