Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
