You made me cry and you don't even care
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
