When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
