My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Buhtt sex?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
