just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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