So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
