I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
