I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize