I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize