Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
