Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize