apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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