So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
