I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
