McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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