Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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