she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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