Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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