She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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