so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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