We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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