i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
