I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
