K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
