I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
