I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
