She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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