look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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