I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
