Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
