If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
