Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
