Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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