I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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