I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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