Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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