Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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