I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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