I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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