god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
