Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
