haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
