On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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