Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
