she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
