i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
