they need to just BURY HIM!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
