Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A bitchslap is in order.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
