Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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