I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
