Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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