you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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