I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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